Gat Eaut With This Phenomenal Black Forest Gateau

Recipe by: JoanieBalonie

For the sponge

  • Eggs (4)
  • Sugar (100g)
  • Flour (75g)
  • Cocoa powder (25g)

For the filling

  • Cherries (2 tins)
  •  Cornflour (2tbs)
  • Cream (600ml)
  • Flaked almonds (toasted)


1.     Mix the eggs and the sugar until creamy. Sift in the flour, then cocoa, and fold the whole mixture together. Turn mixtur e into a tin and bake for around 45 minutes on 180c, or until the sponge is springy to the touch and has come away from the tin edges. The key is not to open the oven to check too often. This is a slow baking gateau, and so it needs the time—no matter how anxious you are because your in-laws are coming. Not because they’re horrible people but they just have a tendency to spiral into negativity if given the chance and you just don’t want to give them the chance? So just don’t open the oven door and ignore that your eldest is shouting along to a very crass song upstairs and focus on the filling.

2.     Drain the cherries but reserve the juice. Don’t linger on how you’re suddenly remembering an archive of vaguely offensive things your inlaws have said over every single holiday dinner over the past twenty years. Mix the juice in with the cornflour in a saucepan, and tell your youngest that yes if they want to eat the leftover batter from the bowl they can. Bring to boil until thickened, then leave to simmer for a minute. Remove from heat, burn yourself, cuss, ignore how your youngest shrieks at the fact you cussed. Shitfuck! they repeat after you and your husband comes into the kitchen and wants to know Joanie why is Robin saying shitfuck and cut the sponge into three layers once cool.

3.     Sandwich the layers together with most of the cream and all of the cherry mixture while your inlaws begin filing in. Shitfuck! Robin screams at an aunt who insists she’s never been spoken to like that in her life and spread the remaining cream around the sides of the cake. Decorate with almonds. Bring the cake to the table. Trip over a toy and drop it. Remain on your knees, shaky. Get up, lock yourself up in the toilet. When your husband tries to get in, tell him to get out. Listen to Robin chant shitfuck! to the tune of jingle bells like shitfuck bells, shitfuck bells, shitfuck bells bells bells.