A Festive Apple-Cider Pot Roast for Nina

Recipe by: Sheryl86

  • 1 litre of apple cider of choice (midrange will do)
  • Spice to taste: cloves, cinnamon, ground ginger, ground fennel seeds, ground black pepper
  • A good gooseneck cut
  • Roughly chopped vegetables (onions, carrots, potatoes, fennel)
  • Several spoons of flour
  • A block of dry stock

1.     This recipe is a slow-cook one and takes over 24 hours to make, so plan well in advance! First, mix the apple cider with the spices—that’ll be your marinade. Put your cut in either a deep-bottom bowl or a ziplock bag, and pour over your marinade. Leave in fridge overnight, preferably over 24 hours. Take this time to get to work on the rest of your meal! How many people are you expecting? Six? Are you sure, six? Nina said she might cancel and the last time you checked your messages you were—let’s be honest—more than a little drunk because there was that opened bottle of wine that needed finishing and Speed was on tv and god you love Sandra Bullock. What is it about her? You just love her. Anyway point is: Nina might’ve texted and you might’ve not seen it at all. And Nina has a tendency to cancel last minute, God love her, and you’re pretty sure that habit only started after that night you made out two years ago. Like okay you talked about it, extensively, and you both agreed that it was nice but not something you’d like to pursue even though you’d kind of like to pursue it. But also you’re in no position to enter into anything serious at the moment and you know that if you’d do anything with Nina it’ll have to be serious. So after an approximate of 24 hours of marinating, start preparing the roast.

2.     Peel and cut the vegetables. Sauté the onions before adding the carrots and the potatoes. Pour the cut with the marinade into the pan, and cook on lowest fire until tender (aim for around 8 hours—give or take, 8 hours, cut it short if Nina decides to show up two hours earlier while you’re still piping your mashed potato soufflés and really your time schedule is already shot to pieces and really, today is the day she decides to not be late? But she’s apologizing and she looks flustered and it’s been snowing out and she’s drenched in that cute Sandra Bullock way and you offer her dry pants, which she accepts, nervously, after saying ‘no it’s okay’ several times and you saying ‘seriously you’ll catch your death’ over and over. And somehow it’s when she’s in her underwear and when you’re handing her over your yoga pants that she decides to say ‘look there’s a reason I came early’, and then stammers until you drop the yoga pants and kiss her, and her neck is cold and her hair is damp but she smiles into the kiss and so do you.)

3.     If, in another scenario, Nina texts you 30 minutes beforehand that she won’t be able to make it, so sorry, so so sorry, then let the roast cook to a full 8 hours, then leave to cool for an additional 20 minutes. Cancel the dinner. Ignore the angry texts like what the fuck Sheryl, I already arranged a baby sitter, you can’t pull this kind of shit with us we’re not in college anymore, Sheryl. Eat the roast straight from the pan while sitting on the kitchen floor.

4.     For the gravy, use half the cider marinade. Transfer to a saucepan, and bring to boil while mixing in the stock cube. Lower heat, mix in flour and keep stirring until thickened. Season to taste.